Conversations and Girl Problems

Filed in PersonalTags: Palliative Polemic

Okay, so I can be a real idiot sometimes. Today is the 11th, not the 10th. I wrote the March 10th entry this morning - and it was because I woke up thinking that today was the 10th. I actually have a calendar hanging on my wall, but it's still on December. No, it's not because I'm too lazy to change the month. The calendar is my fraternity's annual calendar we produce to raise money for charity. Each year we select 12 ladies to grace the calendar. Miss December, I'll call her Nicole, is a really good friend of mine, and I promised her that I would leave the calendar on her month. So, true to my word, it's still on December. Am I a sucker, or what?

So anyway, I'm going to write another entry today. That's alright; I have plenty more to write. I really did very little today. I could have done some homework, but I'm going to do that tomorrow. That's the other nice thing about this quarter; in spite of all the group work for Design, I actually have very little homework. Instead, I spent some time cleaning up the journal. I also started cleaning up my room, becuase it needs it. As busy as I was this week, I pretty much neglected my room. I like having a clean room, but without a roommate to keep me accountable, I'm not always good about it. Besides, I'm almost only in my room to sleep. If I were in here more often I'm sure things would be different.

So when you're doing something mundane like cleaning your room, your mind tends to wander. As my mind wandered, I started thinking about the whole Sarah thing again. I guess now would be a good time to recount the whole tale. I asked her to the formal while we were at my fraternity's Luau party. In casual conversation, I found out that she had broken up with her boyfriend (in her words, "a while ago"). So we were dancing together all night anyway, and I decided to go for broke and ask her to the formal. She accepted enthusiastically. She's drinking a little bit, and decides that she wants something more than the beer in the party, so I take her to the annex (I'll explain the house layout later) to get some vodka. Well, she drinks the vodka and starts to get more tipsy. About that time, one of my brothers, who at the time did not know that I had just successfully asked her out, started hitting on her. He apparently took her to his room to chill, and she spent like the next hour or so trying to find me. I was in and out because I was a Designated Driver, so it took me a while to find her. So I finally find her in a small lounge in the annex with my brother. They're sitting on the futon, and I sit down in the recliner and we're talking. So Sarah decides to get up (she's drunk at this point, and not walking well), and sit with me. So for the next, I don't remember, half hour, hour...she's laying on my lap. Well, if you know me, you know I'm not going to try anything, so nothing happened. I finally decided that she needed to go home to sleep in her own bed, so I drove her back to the Woods.

This all happened two weeks before the formal. In the time between then and the formal, I had nightly musical rehearsal at the Woods. Well, I don't know how many hours I spent after rehearsal either in her room or in the dorm lobby talking and getting to know her. It all seemed to be going really well. I was really pumped for the formal. We held it at the Indinapolis Zoo. Now, until today, we got snow only one day this entire winter. Which day would that be? If you guessed the day of the formal, you guessed correctly. The drive to Indy took 2 hours, twice as long as normal. We got there like a half hour late. We got there at the same time as my brother Seeley and his date, Ariel. I introduced Sarah, and Ariel asked her if Sarah and I were going out. Well, Sarah answered no (which is fine, technically, this was a first date). Then Ariel asked her if we were *going* to be going out, and Sarah answered, "not to my knowledge." That bothered me a little. I can understand if she was maybe hesitant to answer that question from basically a complete stranger. Well, the rest of the night went fairly well. Towards the end of the dancing, they played a slow song, and I let one of my brothers who had gone stag cut in. Well, they played another slow song immediately after, and I went to cut back in, and she wouldn't let me. That kind of pissed me off; after all, I was the one with the date. Didn't I have the right to be dancing during the slow songs instead of sitting on the side with all the guys who went stag? I had to admit that part of my emotions there go back to all the high school dances I went to stag, and was lucky to get one slow dance. So anyway, they had one more fast song, then the last dance, which I did get. So I take her back to the Woods, and as I'm dropping her off, I hug her. (Like I know how to get a good-night kiss, but that's another story.) She tells me that she had a really good time, so I suggest that we should go out again sometime, and she says something like, "oh, definitely; give me a call." Which says to me that she is interested in going out again. Well, from then on, every time I've tried to ask her out, she's either got plans, or is too tired, or is busy, or is studying, or otherwise unable to go out. Needless to say, I was pretty confused. So, I turned to my connections: my other friends at the Woods. One such friend, Heather, who I know means well, kept telling me that I was in, and that she was leaning toward wanting to go out with me. Well, considering Sarah's actual responses to my inquiries, I decided to get some second opinions. I talked to one of Sarah's friends at our foam party. This friend told me some rather interesting things. She told me that Sarah had told her that she was looking for two things from guys: a (pardon the language) "fuck buddy" and close guy friends, and that she saw me as one of her close guy friends. Now this revelation bothered me; for one, I'm a virgin, I intend to wait for sex until I'm married. Not that I'm against any kind of physical intimacy, but I don't want to date someone who is looking exclusively for sex in the relationship. Second, that is a moot point if I've once again landed in the dreaded "friend zone." She also told me that Sarah had said these things following the Luau party where I first asked her out, almost a full month prior; so Sarah's feelings toward may or may not have changed. I decided to try other sources, such as Erin and Alice, both friends of mine and Woods students who were in the musical with me. Both said that they thought she was interested, but couldn't really explain her actions. So I finally went to the best possible person for answers: Sarah's best friend at the Woods. She told me that Sarah had done something similar to a guy from ISU during the fall semester. Basically, Sarah led him on, but then started ignoring him when he tried to ask her out. Apparently, he called her out on it, and she blew him off. She pissed the poor guy off so much that he now wants nothing to do with her. She also told me that Sarah still thinks that if she stops returning guys' calls, they will stop calling her. True, but not very mature. Well, by this point, I figured that I couldn't let myself get stressed out over the situation, because I had too much else going on in my life to get stressed outand depressed. So I took the attitude that if she is interested in dating me, she will make that interest apparent, and if not, then we would still be friends. Unfortunately, she had gotten to the point of not returning my phone calls, etc. Well, I felt that we had become too close as friends to let her get away with that, so I wrote her a long letter, saying basically how I felt about her, and that I needed to know what she was feeling/thinking. I said that I would understand whatever she told me, but that if she valued our friendship, she needed to talk to me. I told myself that I would leave it at that; that I would wait for her response. If none came, then her silence would be her answer. Lo and behold, about a week later, I get a message that she had called me wanting to talk. I had just gotten back from a late rehearsal and was tired, but I called and we talked about nothing in particular for 20 minutes. So, we were at least talking again, which was good. She has also left the door open for me to ask her out, but we still have not had a real "talk;" she still hasn't told me her intentions. The Woods (along with the rest of the colleges in Indiana it seems) has been on Spring Break for the past week, so I've had time to mull the situation over. If she ever decides to tell me that she is interested in dating, I'm still more than willing to date her, but I'm still looking elsewhere. Not that there are any other options currently. To be honest, not that there ever are.

Back to my day...

My room cleaning was interrupted by an AOL IM conversation with Amanda. This conversation was interesting at worst, enlightening at best. I really think that we are becoming good friends. Close enough as friends that, even if there were nothing going on between her and my brother, I don't know that I would want to jeopardize our friendship by asking her out. At any rate, I learned some things about her today. She is a very intriguing girl, and very difficult to figure out. Well, she told me some things today that helped my understand her a lot better. We talked again tonight. I told her about this journal, which she read. As I suspected, there wasn't anything I had written that she did not already know. Also, like this afternoon's conversation, I learned more about what makes this girl tick. We have a good thing with our friendship; we can talk about a lot of things without the pressure of her thinking I'm wanting to ask her out. I guess, in short, our conversations today has helped me realize how much I value our friendship. It's funny; I know a lot more about Sarah's personal life, but Amanda and I are much closer friends.

As I'm sitting here writing this, I'm drinking some decaf Starbucks I bought. I had never had Starbucks before, because Terre Haute must not be swank enough to get a Starbucks cafe. But the grocery store has recently begun selling the beans. Well, being the coffee fanatic that I am, I decided to try some. To be honest, I'm not all that keen on it. The beans are over-roasted by my tastes. I like medium-to-slightly-dark roasts, which allow for the fullest flavor with the least amount of bitterness. This Starbucks tastes almost burned. I'm adjusting to drinking decaf. One of the trade-offs of this diet is that I found out that my weight loss if fairly sensitive to caffeine. Now, I've never been a big pop drinker (I've been drinking, on average, a gallon of water per day since high school), but I do love a good cup of joe every now and then. So, until I reach my ideal weight, I'm switching to decaf. At least I'll still be able to get to sleep when I finish this.

Well, I've definitely now written enough for one day. Don't worry, there's plenty more for tomorrow.