The only thing in common
is that we're not the same.
Yet the only difference is
that I like it that way

You may say I'm patient,
but all I'm waiting for is you
to realize that the sum
is greater than the whole.

Maybe I should have held back
and not opened up quite so soon.
But please don't judge me on
just what you read that afternoon.

Please don't put me in a pigeonhole;
different doesn't mean incompatible.

When I was in college, someone loaned me a book to help me with my struggles concerning dating relationships - and, in particular, my lack thereof. That book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye (IKDG), was written by then-twenty-one-year-old Joshua Harris, who implored young people to pursue God-centered relationships, and to "redeem the time" while they are single (thanking God for the gift of singleness that He gives us).

Well, when I read it back then, I thought, "This book makes some sense. But, since I've never really been one to play the dating 'game', he's not really speaking to me. When I say I want a relationship, I want to pursue the possibility of marriage."

What I completely missed, though, were two very important concepts - waiting on the right timing, and making the most of my time as a single man. As I reflected on my relationship with Erica, I remembered reading that book, and knew that I needed to give it another read - this time, with a completely changed point-of-view. I can look back now and realize that I spent most of my high school and college years unappreciateve of - and often, despising - my singleness, rather than seeing it for the gift that singleness is. Now, I made quite a bit out of my time, and managed to keep following God's plan for my life, even despite of myself; however, I threw away many opportunities I had during that time - opportunities to grow closer in my walk with Christ, and to serve my sisters in Christ in love (too often, I served them with ulterior motives - in trying to subtly "woo", I gave up much of the joy and learning I could have experienced).

In part, I was patient; "I'm still in college;" I would say, "if I'm not dating now, I guess that's okay, because, really, school is my first priority." At the same time, had the chance presented itself, I know I would have dated, even while in college.

But that mindset turned on me when I got out of college. Barely five months after graduating, Erica and I started dating. What I came to realize though, upon reflection, is that I did not take nearly enough time getting to know her, as her friend, before building mental and emotional intimacy - which certainly led us the wrong way in terms of the direction of physical intimacy. Had I taken the time to get to know her, I probably would never have pursued her as a girlfriend - see, Erica is a great, wonderful girl, and friend, but since she is not a Christian, I know I could never marry her. Before we started dating, I knew that she went to a Lutheran university, and that she regularly attended church there and at home, and I made a big mistake - I assumed. Five or six months into the relationship - long after I had already grown mentally and emotionally attached to her - Erica revealed to me that she was not a Christian - that she had many unanswered questions about life, and religion, and that she went to church, in part, to try to help answer those questions.

It took God months to work in my heart enough for me to do the right thing - in some cases, using tearful realizations of who I had become in the past few years, and especially in the past few months.

So, where does that leave me now?

For the first time in my life, I can honestly say that I am content being single - I know that I may struggle with patience, waiting on the right timing - God's timing. I know that I may struggle at times, keeping my motives pure when I act in service and love toward my sisters in Christ. But I also know that I have the support of the Holy Spirit, my guide and teacher. I also know that I have the support, encouragement, and love of a very close group of friends - who will hold me accountable, and who will be there for me, even if I can't be there for myself sometimes.

I re-read IKDG, and Josh Harris' words literally spoke to my heart from every page I read. Finally, I had the necessary perspective - no longer could I say naively, "That's not me; that will never happen." It had happened. Even worse, it almost happened again, less than a month after becoming single again. I likely will recount the details of that yet-developing story, but not now. Suffice it to say that, through the grace of God, and through the counsel of my friends - one in particular - I am learning how to handle things in a God-like, God-centered manner.

While I will not be afraid of one-on-one situations with other women, I will not seek them out - especially if doing so has any motive other than absolutely pure, Christ-like love. I will seek first to develop friendships with my sisters - serving them, loving them, helping them to grow, and will expect nothing out of the relationship other than the knowledge I gain - through loving and serving them, I will learn how to love, and to serve, my future wife.

At the same time, my own personal concern will be to fully redeem the time during this season of singleness - continuing to deepen my relationship with God, serving Him by serving those around me, and, most importantly, continuing to prepare myself for Him to work His Plan in my life. I will learn what it means to be a good husband and father, what it means to be able to support a family, and what it means to take the next step closer to fulfilling God's Plan in my life. I know that God has given me a heart for people - and for missions, in particular; however, God also brought me through engineering school, and placed me in Kalamazoo, MI for this season of my life.

Do I know, exactly, why God chose this route for my life? No, not yet. But I am trusting Him with all of my heart; I am purposing not to lean on my own understanding. I am once again trying to acknowledge Him in all of my ways - and I am trusting Him to direct my path.

Q E D

As I mentioned yesterday, one of the reasons that I broke up with Erica is that the relationship was having a detrimental affect on my relationship with God. I finally realized the truth through the prayer with and counsel of some people whom I now consider to be some of my best friends.

Last month, the KVFC coffee house, affectionately known as "The House", opened. The NFocus group spends most of our time together at the house. NFocus is the college-age and twenty-something young adult ministry at my church - Kalamazoo Valley Family Church. The core group consist of about 10-15 of us, and we have really grown closer together, and closer to God, in the past couple of months. We meet at the house Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday nights - to hang out, chat, drink coffee - and most nights, we are in the parking lot after the house closes, just praying.

For a few of us, one event in particular really got things kick-started. Five of us went to see Eli perform at the Ground Floor in Grandville (Grand Rapids). Afterward, we all felt like praying together. That was just about the time that God was beginning to convict me with respect to my relationship with Erica, and that night, I told them about it. Among other things, we prayed that God would direct me in the relationship. The next night, a bigger group of us were praying in the parking lot, and we all prayed about it again. The same thing happened the next night, and after praying, I was talking with a couple of the guys, and one of them - Scott - told me that I knew what I needed to do. I knew what I needed to do, but also knew that doing so would be very difficult. Interestingly, the pastor who is basically in charge of the NFocus group, Kurt, had just recently spoken about how "God meets us at the point of our obedience." I spent a lot of time on my own in prayer, too, and talked to my parents about it. I knew I would have to rely on God's strength to carry me.

A week later, I broke up with Erica.

Also, at the Eli concert, I had the first opportunity to get to know a guy who has become one of my good friends also - Brian. He is now a confidant, as well as my tennis/workout partner. We also are going through the "Get a Grip" class together at church. He, Scott, Brett, and Andi are now some of my closest male friends - not to mention Cosmas, Jason, Andy, Tavis, and Carl. It is really nice to have guys to talk to, to counsel, and to be counseled by, and to hold me accountable.

It is also really nice to develop friendships with Godly women, whom I can serve unconditionally, from whom I can learn what it is to know, to serve, and to love a woman after God's own heart, and hopefully, one day, with whom I can develop a Godly relationship that will lead to a family. I am very happy and fortunate to be able to see two such relationships developing, with other members of our group. One couple is dating; another is engaged.

But, while I am single, I am taking the opportunity to continue to grow closer to, and to serve and to please, God. Often, I have been able to do that through serving my friends. A few weeks ago (actually, two days after I broke up with Erica), five of the girls got together for a sleepover on a Saturday night, and five of us guys made them breakfast the next morning, before we all went to church. Now, since I love to cook, I especially enjoyed that opportunity. That afternoon, I helped one of the girls paint her apartment - I really enjoyed not only serving her, but also getting the chance to talk to, and really get to know, her. This weekend, I helped another one of the girls move out of her apartment - of course, there is much more to that story, but I will save that one for another day.

All in all, these past few weeks have been really good for me. Once I realized, and admitted to myself, that I had been putting aside my relationship with God, and put forth the effort to turn things around, I have felt so much better.

I have always felt that God has called me to be a "Prayer Warrior" - someone whose first answer to anything is to pray; someone who prays by conviction, whether or not I know exactly *why* I am being convicted to pray. And, for the first time in years, I can feel that my prayers once again have power behind them.

Also, even though, through Christ, all sin is forgiven, sin still has consequences. For me, that has meant that, for years, I had been struggling in my thought life. Now, for the first time in years, I am claiming authority over my thought life. I will not dwell upon any sinful - especially lustful - thought; rather, I pray Psalm 19:14 - "May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer."

I have a lot more to write about, but I will save that for later entries.

Q E D

Ok, so, I literally got too busy to keep up with my journal entries. I'll try to get caught up.

Probably one of the biggest changes may come as a surprise - I broke up with Erica about three weeks ago. For today, I will tell that story.

Ok, so I'll try to start at the beginning... I was raised as an independent (i.e., non-denominational) Christian, and that is what I consider myself today. Where I'm coming from may be hard to explain, but I'll try... I chose to be baptized when I was six years old - that is to say - and this is by the grace of God, and the working of the Spirit in my life - I understood what it meant to dedicate my life to Christ, before I was seven years old. Since then (and this is hard for me to say, without sounding arrogant), I had always been on a different level than my peers - mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. It's as if I was set apart by God - and, in fact, I still feel that way to this day (for what reason, exactly, I have yet to discover). Since about junior high, I knew that I was called to the mission field. That is my passion - I will never be truly happy until I can get back to the mission field (I have been on three short-term mission trips - all in my early- to mid-teens).

That's the beginning; let me fast-forward to a couple years ago. That's when I met Erica . We started dating ten months ago this past Monday. I knew that she was raised in the church (I would not have started dating her otherwise).

Ok, quick tangent - I don't want to come off as some religious-nut, Bible-thumper-type. You know me; you know that I'm (well, basically) normal. But, at the same time, I've never been interested in the dating "game" - part of the reason I never dated in high school was that no one who really met what I was looking for, and I didn't see any reason to date just for the sake of dating. I have a LOT of friends - and really, really good; really close friends - who do not share my beliefs. I just believe the Bible when it says "do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers" (2 Cor. 6:14). I knew that I did not want to be in a relationship that would make me choose between growing closer to my girlfriend, and growing closer to God.

So, back to the story... my relationship with Erica was great - we were great, close friends, and were great together. Then, some months ago, Erica revealed to me that she did not know what she believed. She said that she had been raised in three different churches - Catholic, Lutheran, and Baptist. However, right now, she has too many unanswered questions to be able to believe in God, or Christianity yet. Now, I know she's open to God, because she willingly chose to go to church so that she could seek out answers. But, right now school is her one and only priority, and she does not feel convicted yet to seek out "the meaning of life".

At first, I did not consider our differences to be that important. After all, our relationship still was not really that serious (ground rules for our relationship stipulated that it also was a lower priority for her than school). Then, earlier this summer, I had cause to re-evaluate myself, and my own priorities. I realized that I had stopped growing closer to God - I was fully consumed with growing closer to and pleasing Erica. The bad part of that was, I was ignoring my own convictions and beliefs. I had stopped going to church regularly, hoping every weekend to try to find some way to see Erica. Other things had slowly changed. I had stopped praying regularly (to be honest, that started a lot sooner). But, the biggest difference, for me, was that I had suddenly become willing to give up my one true passion (mission work), to be with Erica (who I knew, Christian or not, had NO desire for the mission field).

After I realized how much I had really changed, God began to convict me about all these things again. I talked to a lot of people about the decision, and spent a LOT of time in prayer about it. I consider this to be the most difficult decision I have had to make since my senior year of high school, when I gave up a full-ride to a Christian college to go to a $25,000+/year engineering school, having no money, and knowing that I eventually would become a missionary. But, I knew that it was where God wanted me to be.

One of the pastors at my church here, who knew what a difficult decision it was that I had to make, told me, "God meets us at our point of obedience." Of course, by that time, I knew what I had to do. Because of my firm belief that I should not be in a romantic relationship with someone who does not share my beliefs, I knew that, if we were to keep dating, I would feel too much pressure to try to get her to address her questions, to try to get her to firm up her beliefs. I also knew that, if I did that, it would put a great deal of strain on our relationship - since school is her one and only priority - and it would also strain our friendship. If I were to be any help to her, in terms of answering the questions she has, I knew that I would have to do so, not as her boyfriend, but as her friend. I only hoped that Erica would understand, and that our friendship would not suffer.

We talked about it, and when I finally mustered up the courage to start the conversation, it actually went really well. She understood completely (she brought it up in the first place because she knew it would be an issue with me). She also told me that (as I had begun to guess) she also did not see us together forever. As she put it, "our passions are too different". So, we decided to stop dating. We both knew that, if we kept dating, and kept growing closer in a dating relationship, that our eventual - and inevitable - breakup would be messy, difficult, and painful, and that our friendship would likely suffer a great deal.

I should also add that, when I say, "share my beliefs" I'm not asking for much. My basic beliefs are as follows:
God created man.
Man sinned, thereby separating himself forever from God.
God sent his Son, Jesus, to atone for man's sin, by accepting that sin in an innocent death.
Man cannot come to God by any means other than believing that Jesus died for man's sin, and by accepting Jesus as his savior.

That, in a very tiny nutshell, is the summary of my foundational beliefs - the common denominator of basically all Christian denominations. Obviously, there's a lot more than that, but ultimately (in an eternal-life-or-death sense), that's what's important.

If Erica chose to believe, no one would be happier than I would be; but, unless she is so changed by accepting Christ into her life that she suddenly discovers the same passion I share for missions, I don't think we will ever be in a dating relationship again. I believe that our friendship will continue to grow - in fact, I went with her to her family reunion this Labor Day - a few days after we broke up. As friends, we still get along famously - which made things somewhat awkward, since most of her family did not yet know that we were no longer dating.

I consider my experience dating Erica to be entirely positive (except my lack of growth that I talked about already). She was my first true girlfriend; I learned a lot about having a girlfriend, being a boyfriend, and what to expect - and, more importantly, what I am looking for - in a relationship. I know that I will never date anyone again if I know that she does not share my passions. That decision may seem extreme, but I see dating as a means to finding a wife. I have a lot of friends, who provide an abundant social life; the intimacy of a dating relationship, for me, is reserved for seeking out the woman with whom I will spend the rest of my life.

I hope all of this has made sense; I'm sure that I didn't do the best job explaining everything the way I wanted to. I read what I have wrote, and realize that I might come off as some kind of radical. Maybe I am, but I will never apologize for my faith. If I didn't have such a strong desire to find a wife, and raise a family, I could easily believe that God had chosen me to be completely separate, unmarried, and fully devoted to Him.

The bottom line is, Erica knew the way I believed, and she understood why I made the decision that I did, and, most importantly, she fully supported that decision. As she says, she trusts me a great deal, and I know that, when she is finally compelled to find answers to her questions, she will have even more trust in me, because she knew that I stood by my convictions enough to make an extremely difficult decision - a decision that will save our friendship, and hopefully, ultimately - will save her eternal life as well (that is something I continue to pray for).

Q E D